Tag Archives: humor

We Paints Our Precious Boards

We needs them. We paints them. We wants them. Nasty hobbitses wants to steal our precioussss! No, they must not haves them! We needs to paint our precious boardsss. 


Gollum!

Something a Three-Year-Old Shouldn’t Say (But It Was Hilarious)

My wife was watching an American show, I think it was Bones, and someone on the show was talking about how someone will go to hell. She asked me why many Christians will say, “Go to hell.”

Well, my daughter was playing next to us, and whenever we talk about places we want to go to, she says she wants to go, too. Except this time, we weren’t talking about that.

So, my daughter said, “Atashi go to hell!” That means “I go to hell.”

I laughed so hard. I wish I’d caught that on video. My daughter telling us she wanted to go to hell.

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Give Some Love to the Oxford Comma

The Oxford comma, such a controversial little punctuation mark. Why do people hate you so much? You’re very important. You help avoid awkward situations.

I love my two sons, baseball and TV.

I’d like you to meet my parents, Justin Bieber and Carrot Top.

I really like to eat sandwiches, octopus and chocolate.

I’d like to thank my sisters, Kanye West and Bob Saget.

I couldn’t have graduated high school without the help of my teachers, my dog and Robin Williams.

I went golfing with my dad, a sumo wrestler and a drag queen.

I had dinner with the Harlem Globetrotter members, Colin Mochrie and Lady Gaga.

So please, use the Oxford comma, so that I don’t have sons named baseball and TV. So that my parents are not Justin Bieber and Carrot Top. So that I’m not eating octopus and chocolate sandwiches. So that Kanye West and Bob Saget haven’t had a sex change so that they’re my sisters. So that my dog and Robin Williams weren’t my teachers. So that my dad isn’t a sumo wrestler and drag queen. So that Colin Mochrie and Lady Gaga didn’t join the Harlem Globetrotters. It’s just awkward.

Living With a Threenager

What’s a threenager? You know the terrible twos, right? Well, a threenager is someone who acts like a teenager, but is only three years old. That basically describes a three-year-old. They have attitude, but no control over their emotions. They are either happy or it’s the end of the world.

Here’s some of my three-year-old’s attitude.

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And she’s already demanding a driver’s license, while talking on a cell phone. Okay, so it’s a radio, not a cell phone.

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These pictures were taken on Sunday, and she had a lot of fun in the indoor playground. But after four hours, it was time to go. The world ended. Scream, cry, and run away. That’s what she did. When I picked her up, she kicked, struggled, and tried to get away. She did not want to leave at all. She still say she wants to go, and she wants to go now.

Earlier this year, BuzzFeed posted a list of 23 Things All Parents Of Threenagers Understand. Let’s go through them and see how my daughter’s doing.

1. They’ve suddenly got OPINIONS…lots of them.

This is true. It’s mostly her telling us she doesn’t like something, though sometimes telling us what she likes. She knows what she likes, that’s for sure.

2. All hell breaks loose if you serve their food in a slightly different way.

Not so much, really. She’s actually pretty flexible with a lot of these things, but she often requests a certain number of breadsticks. They come in bags of six, and she says she wants three. I give her one. She gets upset. But you see, she usually eats parts of the three, takes the chocolate chips, and leaves chunks of bread from all three sticks.

3. Handling disappointment isn’t their thing.

Disappointment is too mild of a feeling. She doesn’t get disappointed. She goes ballistic.

4. Not even Jack Bauer could get them to tell you what happened at preschool.

This we don’t have much of a problem with. She offers the information without us asking. Just the other day, it was raining, so they couldn’t use the pool outside. She told me so. And she told me that she was playing with her friends, including their names.

5. “Why?” “Why?” “Why, Mama?” “Why?” “Why?” “Why, Dada?” “Why?”

She asks us why, definitely. She’s in that phase, but it isn’t so bad. I tell her why, and much of the time she takes the answer and doesn’t bombard me with “Why?”

6. They’ve probably wiped off one of your kisses.

Yup. She does that.

7. They often lose toys that they MUST. HAVE. RIGHT. NOW.

Not just toys. Clothes, too. Recently, we had to wash one of her favourite dresses, and she wanted to wear it as it was drying. She wouldn’t take no for an answer. She needed to wear it now.

8. They’ve started to say sassy things like, “Are you kidding me?”

Not really. At least not in English.

9. They’re too small to walk at a decent pace, but too big to be carried.

Yes! She tends to take a long time to walk anywhere, and when she gets tired, she wants to be carried. She’s 15.5 kg now, and while it’s fine for a little while, she starts to feel too heavy.

10. They have no filter.

She says what she wants. If she gets punished, she tells everyone she got punished. She also walks up to complete strangers and introduces herself and my wife and I. She often tells us to be quiet, too.

11. They’re either recently potty trained or are potty training, which is awesome for you! (sarcasm)

Sigh. Just as I was starting this section, she took her diaper off and handed it to me. It was filled with pee. We have a deal with her. She stops peeing in her diaper or training pants, she can go to a swimming pool, waterslides, and Canada. She wants to go to them all very much. She knows how to use the toilet, she knows when to use the toilet, but she just gets lazy.

12. This little phrase can trigger a tantrum/meltdown: “It’s time to go.”

Yup. Happened on Sunday. It was a major meltdown. It happens every time we’re at a playground, too.

13. Bedtime is drama, and they’ll do anything to avoid it.

If we force her to go to bed, she won’t stay. She will only go to bed on her own terms, which is only when she is sleepy. She usually falls asleep around 9 or 10 pm, but any earlier, and she won’t do it.

14. Once bedtime starts, it is — how should we put this — a process.

The process has changed many times over her short life. When she was still using a crib, she would only fall asleep if she was holding our hand. Now, she will only go to sleep if she’s sleepy, and that’s the only time she’ll brush her teeth, as well. At least she knows how to do that now. Any deviation from this makes it impossible to get her to sleep.

15. Getting a threenager out the door takes forever.

Actually, we don’t have this problem. She likes going out, and she’s the first to the door with her shoes on.

Short intermission.

Back to number 7. She wants to blow bubbles outside right now. It’s raining. She’s upset that it’s raining, but still demands to go out to blow bubbles.

End intermission.

16. Despite their epic slowness, they’re also epically impatient.

Absolutely. It takes forever to get her to do many things, but then when she wants something, she wants it now. She wants to go to Canada right now, actually. Every day, she demands to go to Canada.

17. They will say, “I’m tired!” when you ask them to do anything.

Not really. She’ll do things if we ask her to do them, but when she doesn’t want to do it, she just flat out refuses. “No.” She only uses the “I’m tired!” excuse when she doesn’t want to walk.

18. They’re guaranteed to frustrate you when eating at a restaurant.

Worst place for us to go! I love eating food in restaurants, but when we have our daughter there, she usually makes a mess. Last time we went with her, she poured a full cup of orange juice over her clothes. And she had to go home like that. Sticky. Ugh. And she’ll often ask for something from the menu, then refuse to eat half of it, wanting whatever we have.

19. They’re maddeningly stubborn and insist, “I do it myself!”

Absolutely. This is what she wants to do by herself now: put on her shoes, put on her clothes, dry herself after a bath/shower, use the toilet, wash her hands, put toothpaste on her toothbrush, and so on. The toothpaste thing would turn into a disaster. She doesn’t get to do that.

20. That is, when they’re not begging you to do it for them.

She often comes to me to get me to do her puzzles for her, as well as draw something instead of her. Sometimes, she hands me her spoon or fork and wants me to feed her. I guess she’s still a baby at times.

21. They’re scared of a lot of things.

She’s scared of bugs (sometimes) and heights (if she can’t hold on to me). Not much does scare her.

22. They have very specific ideas on how they want to look.

She likes to choose her clothes, but she often chooses clothes that are too hot for summer. She also likes to have her hair done in a certain way. It’s either Anna, Elsa, Ika Musume (it’s an anime, English title is Squid Girl), or Precure (another anime, Pretty Cure).

23. They’ve become firmly anti-nap.

She rarely has a nap now. When she falls asleep at 5pm, she sleeps all night. She doesn’t wake up from that nap. And just as I was typing this, she fell asleep. It’s almost 6pm. I’ll see if I can get her to wake up later.

I’d like to add one more to this list.

24. The only way to get them to do anything is through bribery.

Want her to sit down on the bus? Candy. Want her to sit down in her stroller to be a counterweight for all the shopping we did? Toy. Want her to use the toilet? Pool, waterslides, and Canada. No matter what we try, we can’t get her to cooperate unless we bribe her.

Anyone with kids have similar experiences?

Life Isn’t Always Fair

Some things aren’t fair. Everyone goes through things like these. You know, you just stare at yourself in the mirror and nitpick at every little thing you see that’s out of the ordinary. Or you stand there debating about what to do next, and none of the options seem particularly appealing. Here are some things I’ve gone through lately.

Why is there more hair around my right nipple than my left? Why do I always get itchy the moment I start washing dishes? Why is it that when I take my phone out of my pocket, it’s upside-down about once a week? Why do birds fly away the very moment I want to take a picture? Why does it rain when I don’t have an umbrella and it doesn’t rain when I bring one?

One time, while I was walking, my phone recorded a video in my pocket. But I couldn’t see anything. My pocket deserves its 15 minutes of fame. Why did there have to be no light? So unfair! I mean, just look!

My pen is being totally unfair. I get refills, then they stop working after a couple weeks. I use my phone, and as I’m using it, a wi-fi signal is detected and used, but on the lowest level, so what I was viewing suddenly stops, and I have to turn off wi-fi and reload the page. And just the other day, Windows moved one of the files on my desktop from the right side to the left.

Life is so unfair.

Mad Libs

There’s something I’ve always enjoyed doing, and that’s mad libs. Here are a few:

The blue Dragon is the sleepiest Dragon of all. It has crusty kidneys, and a nose shaped like a computer. It loves to eat pelicans, although it will feast on nearly anything. It is sloppy and fresh. You must be endless around it, or you may end up as it`s meal!

That was from here.

Here’s another one, taken from here.

Darth Jay Dee looked at his master while his tall breathing filled the room. He was told to go to swim everything on the planet of wiigii. He got in his sofa and jumped to hyperspace. Soon before he reached the planet, he dropped out of hyperspace and was attacked by Rebel Ford Pintos. He sliced them off and continued to the planet`s surface. He landed and confronted more opposition, slicing it down with his paperclip. He used the Facebook to choke another Rebel, then friended him aside. He finished off all life on the planet with a/an seared laugh.

You see, not all of these are great, but there are some good ones to be found. So, here’s the Flintstones theme.

Flintlasers, meet the Flintlasers,
They`re a modern sleepy family.
From the town of Des Moines,
They`re a phone booth right out of history.

Let`s slip, with the family down the saxophone,
Through the courtesy of Jay Dee`s 42 feet.
When you`re with the Flintlasers,
Have a smoink nghyol doo coffin — A nghyol doo coffin,
You`ll have a twisted old coffin!

You can find many on that website. Post your best ones in the comments. Let’s have a little fun.

It’s the End of the World!

My daughter is three years old. This is what it’s like to have a three year old child.

Me: Time for bed.

Her: No, I don’t want to.

End of the world.

And then she’s thirsty.

Her: Juice!

Me: We don’t have any.

Her: Juice!

Me: There’s no juice.

Her: Juice!

Me: There. Is. No. Juice.

End of the world.

And then she’s not hungry anymore.

Her (holding a bowl of banana): I don’t want it.

Me: Are you sure?

Her: Sure.

Me: You want me to eat it?

Her: Daddy eat.

Me: Okay.

I eat it while she watches.

Five minutes later…

Her: Daddy ate my banana!

End of the world.

And that happens every day. The world has ended more than one thousand times, I think.